Searching For Balance: Assessing Goals, Connections and Personal Growth

Songs that I’ve been feeling [because it is in one way or another indicative of how I am doing]:

1. “What I Would I Do Without You,” Ray Charles
2. “Home Again,” Michael Kiwanuka
3. “Mariella,” Khruangbin ft. Leon Bridges

I’m honestly struggling with these journal prompts, “Am I achieving the goals I set for myself? Am I putting effort into building relationships (broadly)? When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone? Am I using my time wisely? Am I taking care of myself?” because I am a very open person with a penchant for oversharing but I’m going to try to be intentional with what I say. Also fair warning, this response is very conversational/stream of thought so I hope that doesn’t bother you. 

I think I am achieving some of the goals I have outlined for myself, but I also want to make more progress. I am proud of myself because my research project is going well so far, and I feel like I am adding value to Ujima outside of my delegated tasks. For example, I discovered the outsized role that Western New York plays in the state’s carceral system. While Western New York has 7 of the 66 correctional facilities in New York State, these seven facilities house almost 20% of the prison population. Buffalo is also home to the second largest returning population in NYS. I am learning a lot, and at the same time, there is still a lot of progress I would like to make on my project. 

In terms of my other ‘work’ this summer, I am also proud of myself for putting myself out there within the cohort; I feel like I have made amazing friends so far and I am so glad I leaned into that discomfort/anxiety. Furthermore, one big goal I want to achieve this summer is really immersing myself in Buffalo and experiencing as much as I can. That is daunting for me for a host of reasons I don’t feel comfortable publicly sharing, but I know that I will be able to push myself to do so by the end of the summer. 

When I was a junior and senior in high school [think 2020], a few of my friends in neighboring schools started an advocacy organization through which we confronted our schools about the biases and microaggressions we faced  and outlined concrete solutions we wanted to see implemented. It was my first experience being involved in something bigger than myself. In thinking about the policies I wanted to see come to fruition, I found myself constantly thinking about the younger students I knew and how I wanted to make sure they didn’t experience the hardships that I had. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting, but also incredibly rewarding. I hope to have the same effect with Ujima this summer. In doing my research, I keep thinking about the people we could reach with a program that allows formerly incarcerated people to become involved with a historic Buffalo theater. I think about countless young people in New York who fall victim to the school-to-prison pipeline, and never have the opportunity to learn and grow as artists. I hope that this program can be healing for the people who experience it, and that in allowing them to connect with their innermost juvenile parts [as the arts often allow us to do] that they can make sense of experiences that the vast majority of people will never understand [especially myself, as an incredibly privileged person].

When thinking about the other aspects of my work this summer, I reflect on my own mentors. While I have a hard time thinking of a single person who has had the greatest impact on me because I do not like thinking in extremes, I nonetheless think of my 11th grade English teacher, Mr. Bauld. I still talk to him to this day! He believed and believes in me far more than I could ever doubt myself, and that is so reassuring. He has helped me grow so much as a student, writer, and as a real-life person. As an established, well-respected teacher who witnessed the stressors a high school junior faces countless times, I appreciated the gravity and respect he treated my struggles with – no matter how trivial they seemed, or how certain he was that they would work themselves out. At the same time, I often looked to him for advice on situations and dynamics that he had not navigated coming from a different background. Nevertheless, he listened attentively and helped me craft the best course of action. That degree of respect is one I aim to have in all of my relationships.

I am really excited to get to know the kids that participate in Dunbar, Ujima’s summer intensive program, this year, and potentially provide them with the mentorship and support they deserve through the lens of the things I wish I had as a child. It’s interesting because I almost said that I want “to provide them with the support I wish I had as a child.” Something I have been grappling with for awhile [independently and with relation to High Road] is how can I relate to people in a way that is truly meaningful for them? This is one of the concepts we discussed in our precourse around community engaged learning but it is a term that doesn’t really mean anything until we (or I should say I) actually experience it. 

It is human nature; false consensus effect states that we assume other people like the things that we do, and that translates to us believing that the way we want things done is the way that everyone wants it. One trivial example would be that you put ketchup in the fridge because you like your ketchup cold and assume that everyone else will be fine with that. However, I think it is inherently selfish to center yourself in your treatment of others, especially when you are acting with the purpose of making their lives better. I’m conducting research on theater and the arts as a therapeutic medium for incarcerated people because I think that it is something that would be beneficial to them, but how does that align with what real people actually want? How can I go about this in a way that doesn’t make me seem like an ignorant outsider who is out of touch with the community? What is the line between introducing something new and forcing your ideas onto people?

I feel like a lot of my responses in our Friday discussions/journal prompts tend to be more emotional and less academic and related to the work we’re actually doing. I hope it doesn’t read as disengagement or that I, in any way, am spending less time reflecting – I love what we do! But I also am a very emotional person, and I am trying to break out of the Cornell habit of only being an intellectual-of using just my brain, and ignoring my heart. It is hard sometimes to not beat myself up for not processing and responding to questions the way other people do, or for not sounding as eloquent as I should when expressing myself, but I am also trying to remember that there’s nothing wrong with that. Intelligence and awareness manifests in different ways, and this summer I hope to continue to develop my emotional intelligence.